mur-c-mi

New starts and how big is my God

i've now read several blogs and had even more conversations about New Year's resolutions. i've been encouraged even inspired. however, what i can't stop wondering is do i really think i can change myself. perhaps i'm over thinking it, but how many times have we heard the adage that goes something like "insanity is trying to change something by doing the same thing over and over again with little success." when it comes to change/transformation first of all, as with other years, i'm finding the same things yet to be acheived or concurred. sigh! but, what's really got me wrestling is the truth that i am a humanist.

don't get me wrong i'm not renouncing my faith - that's not what i mean. using christian terms i suppose i would say in my carnal nature i'm a humanist. why shouldn't i be? i grew up here (planet earth) - i've been tutored by "the gods of the age" namely Western and American culture. so, as a good humanist I determine to make something different so I make a point to put some effort toward that end then I will see some result, right? How does that make me differ from any other religious person, or non-religious for that matter. it's all about ME isn't it. don't get me wrong, we need to set goals, we need to aspire, we need to be accountable. but, isn't the goal to truly become less ME, less focused on, consumed by and weighted down by ME?

My head has been full of these often contradicting thots. Only yesterday did one phrase come to my attention, which captures the essence of my uneasy thinking. Upon seeking counsel the advise a friend was given was "that's bad theology. to think that reduces God down to your size." that's it! in all this talk, planning, vowing and anticipation of a change that would some how happen this year over all other years, my perspective is bent. you know, bent like light is bent thru a prism. only one part can be seen. what i have lost sight of is (if I ever saw clearly - what human can for that matter) how immense, awesome, holy, terrible, righteous, tender, and loving of Creator ( i say i worship) really is. isn't it true that if i truly were to seek and get a glimpse of the triune God i'd be changed. (Moses couldn't even look upon His goodness) again, i'm brought back to the fact that the beginning of change truly is about what/who i'm beholding. it shouldn't always be ME? maybe this is all just a big "duh!" but, lately any attempt to effect newness brings me back round to past failures and weakness. does this sound like Romans 5-7?

as if on cue i've also seen some programs that further provoked this examination. one was on the history of the early church and the other was Sept 11th. i'll continue if i get a chance or can remember my train of thot . . .
(to be continued)

posted by kt @ 1/06/2006 01:15:00 AM