Writer's block
Dear Diary, ;-)
I came to a new realization. It has to do with my voice. Not my singing voice, but what I have to say. I realized today that I'm not confident that what I have to say is really worth hearing. Not that I'm not worth listening to, but that there are so many other voices out that there saying things much better or clearer or more articulately than I think I can. I remember being so inspired by Becky Pippert who was an author/journalist I who I saw speak at a huge mission gathering in college. I remember being so desirous or her ability to teach and impart so nuturingly, lovingly and firmly about laying our lives down for Jesus. Yet, if put in such a setting I'd probably look out in the audience pull about 10 people up on the platform and query each of them until together we'd plummeted the depths of Christ and see Him in a new way. I suppose in this same way I have a hard time writing songs too. I don't know why anyone would listen to my music over some one elses. Hmmmmm.
(By the way I can't get my spell check to work, so forgive my miserable spelling).
I on the otherhand, when it comes to writing whether it be a song, a blog or a feeble attempt at poetry feel very awkward and exposed as if the thoughts are too private. I don't think this sense of privacy is rooted in introversion (is that a word?). I think its that I really don't believe what I would say or write is very notable. Again, there are so many others out there far more gifted. I'm actually not very practiced at expressing myself. I mean I may blather on about an opinion or some experience, but if asked how I am doing I don't know what to say. I've always had a hard time with that question. Silly huh? Even last week a friend asked me how I was and blurted out a bunch of words and feelings with no real coherent train of thought. It felt like I was blasting her with a bunch of paint balls then I felt like I had to explain each one. I'm this way even with the Lord. Even when I'm praying or journaling I really have to be caught up in the moment or I get self conscious.
So I guess that's it. I'm too self conscious, too self-aware to write. I guess I need to trust that my voice is welcome. I suppose a Psycho analytical perspective might say that this could stem from my family of origin. Yeah sure don't most of our fobias, but what now. People have encouraged me to write music. I really don't know how. I'm not a performer. I'm comfortable as a worship knowing most people should have their eyes closed - not looking at me. Yet to pen a song means they look at me right? Oh this muse has gone on far too long. I'll just quit here before it really morphs into a sleeping aide. Ta Ta
Maybe I just need to Journal more and imagine no one is listening, but I'm listening and I bore myself. Siiigghhh
posted by kt @ 6/05/2005 10:34:00 PM
5 Comments:
kathleen, i love what you have to say. i check your blog every day to see what you have to say.
i say far too much all the time. i blog and then i think, 'oh crap!that was way too much information!' but i keep doing it. that makes me the fool here, not you. ;-)i just keep telling myself nobody will read it that doesn't know what a mess i've been.
i love your frail strenght - so honest, so sure, but so unable to be made much of. what you have to say and how you say it are important to the world. they're important to God. they're important to me.
i love you, sis.
see there you go again, you can't help but be poetic can you.
tanku beddy much ;-)
S_ _ _ _ A, I used you as an example cuz since you do write so much there peopele can be blessed or more often inspired by your thots. so you go girl. don't let my self introspection make you feel insecure.
there you go getting worried about what you said. declare this your zone to say anything with no worries. it is after all *your* blog. if someone doesn't like it they can quit reading and go away! if you can't say it here where can you say it?
s____a, did you know if we scroll over your blank letters we all know immediately who you are?:-)sorry to let the secret out.
I love what you have to say too KT, and that is not very poetic. You make a difference in all of our lives and you make us all think. And when you are lost in worship, the best songs get written :-)
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